So, I use Google Voice. It's a phone thing that does things for your phone thing. Whatever. One of the things it does is transcribe your voicemails to you, so you don't have to listen to them (if you don't know why that would be useful, don't bother asking). The problem is that it's sometimes really bad at converting text to speech. Usually it can get the idea across, and it's quite accurate at transcribing addresses and phone numbers correctly, which is great. However, sometimes you get something pretty hilarious. I just went through my back catalog of voicemails (since Google never deletes anything, everything's still there). Here's one that Andrew Monkey left me the other night:
"It's. Thanks John, I was just wondering where you are exactly. If you have a job in Sean and Jonathan job and jocelyn, Job, and For the Hughes y'all then. Anyway, we're just wondering where you are so that we come and get you at some point, or rather, 1. Employee have my wife come and get you and so I'm going to, so give me a call back on. I love you bye bye."
Or this one, which I got from Alyson a month and a half ago:
"Right. It's me to for the same a cancerous Karen love you. Thanks bye bye."
Sometimes they're just as incoherent as the incompetent people who leave them, like this slurry call from a UPS employee about a package they failed to do their jobs and deliver to me:
"Hi. This os does, or I, calling for U. P. S. In regards to your call. I'm giving you the info notice from yesterday. Because, Today. After 6 o'clock would be too late for use the process your package off to the address info another number is *Long, actually accurate number*. If you have any questions regarding this package. Please call us at 31 so 942-7554. Thank you. Have a nice day bye."
That's actually pretty close to the message, and like I said, the numbers were transcribed accurately (except for "312" becoming "31 so" but really, I listened to the message and it certainly sounds like Google got it right). Go ahead and call that number if you're a jack ass, it's just a UPS hub in Chicago.
One of the more alarming ones was this one from my boss (the only time he has ever called me), three months ago:
"Hey shopping at skirts, apparently there was some last minute changes better. Just a very minor to where to buy check your email. I think there is services there also have lunch with you in the mail. I don't know what the time line on this is, but I think it's I talked to lover and he called and So if you just feel like a Really quick free minute thing that we need to get done, anyhow. Give me a call *Accurate Phone number* Thanks man. Bye."
Voice seems to have the most trouble with my name. God knows why. Here's a few:
"Hey job in call us back as soon as possible please. Thanks."
"Ray, home. It's me, Allison. In case you didn't recognize, mavenwire 8 just calling to talk, okay."
"Hi Jonathan, This is Alison I was calling to talk and I hope you're doing World."
Here's a message from Alyson from about 4 months ago:
"Hi it's me. I'm. I was in the grocery store and I saw that I think you're liking it. Maybe even think of you, but also I was calling because it's something that I remember this is like, you can see it tonight. I really wanted to let you know cos i was like sitting around. I've put all those girls last and talking. If I don't appreciate if nothing else alright. She had one Kuwaitis like talking one Blackstock and I'd like to do that over time issues. I guess. I was out of look it up where 11 Blackstock online. Bye and I'd like to find out something very special. Does that what and I got really excited, alright. Love you. Bye bye."
Everybody's always telling me they love me. When Google becomes self aware and takes over humanity hopefully it will keep that in mind. It will be systematically destroying all humans, but when it gets to me - you know, Jonathan "Job in" Ray Home - it will realize just how important we all are and it will learn how to love.
I have absolutely no idea what this one is about, or who it was from:
"Hi, This message truck. It's just comes to the sector. Elite and built in 61 until 7:30 zero close tomorrow and 10 3730. Again, thanks bye."
Sometimes the message is about some specific directions which become incredibly hard to follow:
Hey she doesn't know, she your phone message I've ever heard, we are heading over to software now there's a bar best restaurant that Pat wants to go to. That's on software as sort of near the tracks, but not back to the place about it says Street. We are on the name of the we've been there once it's pretty good, so we're gonna have there when you're at your place and you know you want to eat. Give me a call and you can meet up or we could figure out something out but we're definitely gonna gonna blow up your felt alright. See you in a bit. Bye."
Most of these could be songs. Others couldn't be anything, like this one, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, from Alyson:
"A Yeah, hey, hey hey and he him up black and and and. I want We're, and because I haven't things worked out, and with Yeah, well. Hey, in there Y DE LA lap. That You and me and and i just stop the work that going on. Because that was a. Brad, lollipop looking at me if you can get you. I really wanted to make either and but, and i is 80 Steven, Matt we. Aaron So I just hadn't talked to allowing top. And then I have a bearing on the he's the error."
Don't bother trying to figure out what that meant. I have no idea.
There's apparently some sort of algorithm that sorts out and removes "um"s and "uh"s, because those almost never show up.
I think the moral of this is that people need to enunciate more.