Not long ago, Alyson was reading a cosmopolitan magazine. I think it was called Cosmopolitan, actually. Don’t worry, she isn’t actually into the thing. We were on a bus trip, so neither of us had anything better to do. As she flipped through the magazine, she found a super handy sex tip (that magazine has all kind of tips and tricks for the ol’ saucy shuffle). The tip was, and I quote, “Turn your cellphone off during sexy time.” What a great idea. It inspired me to jot down a few of my own handy tips for really maximizing your pleasure-potentials. Here are my top ten, in one particular order (I’ll let you decide what the order is!).
- Buy a bookmark. That way, you won’t be distracted by having to keep your finger wedged in your favorite book.
- If your Mother is visiting this week, tell her to go check out that cool new art exhibit at some building five miles away. By the time she gets there and realizes she’s been duped, you’ll be able to get your business completed at least once. She’ll be mad at you for tricking her, but that’s better than having to explain what those “strange noises” were.
- Wash the dishes before you take anybody’s pants off. You’ll never get anything done with that crusty lasagna pan hanging over your head.
- If you live near a school, you should close your windows. Nothing kills the mood like hearing street vendors trying to sell ice cream and churros to kids at recess. We get it, dude, you’ve got flavored ice for a dollar. I’m trying to sow some oats here.
- I know it seems like a great time to think out the latest challenge at work or try to figure out what number goes in the corner square of your latest sudoku, but let me tell you something: it’s not. When the nasty is being done, you have to keep your mind focused on the task (literally) at hand. You can’t just sit there and let your mind wander. It’s not like pooping. Just pause to write down what you’re thinking about, then you’ll be able to pick it right back up in a few minutes when it’s all over with.
- It’s always a good idea to make sure your potential boots-knocker is actually interested in knocking on your boots before you get started. Nothing is more awkward than hearing “ok, that’s the last time I deliver a sandwich here” when your pants are halfway off.
- I know what you’re thinking, but there just is no suitable snack for accompanying a hearty doing it session. You’ll just have to wait until you’re done, and then have some chippy snack or ice cream or something (depending, of course, on how the doing it went). Remember to offer your partner some (again, depending on how the doing it went). If you disregarded number 2, make sure you offer your Mother some, too.
- It’s always a good idea the first time you get onto the casbah with somebody to make a big chart showing different parts of your bodies along with the relative sensitivity to tickling each part has. It’s a time consuming process the first time, but boy is it worth it.
- Whatever you do, don’t keep paperwork on each of your partners in neatly organized folders labeled with each partner’s name in a big file cabinet marked “Fornication Files.” You might think they will all appreciate your neatness and attention to detail, but man they really don’t. You’ll apparently never live that one down.
- Always make sure you have a full range of the necessary supplies you might need, in case you have occasion to use them. You definitely don't want to be caught without the right things. You know what I mean. Actually, if you do know, let me know, because I've never been sure.
There you go! ten DenyConformity Top Tips for being the best at the beast (with two backs). That's totally free advice! Here’s hoping my Mom doesn’t read this and finds out that I thought about sex once!