Somehow my email address was signed up for this “Apartment Guide” newsletter, which basically just sends me random garbage about apartments pretty much every day. I totally don’t need that, since I’m already an apartment expert. Apparently it’s totally cool to post articles about how to Apartment better, so it’s time for me to chime in.
Of particular interest is this article “Take Steps to Stay Organized in Your Apartment” which came to me today. I haven’t read that article, but I am sure I can come up with a better guide to keeping your apartment organized. For your consideration, I give you my version of that guide (with some marginally relevant pictures I dug up from my archives).
How to Keep Your Apartment Organized
or, Don’t Put That There
It’s your apartment. Ultimately, you can do whatever you want. Let’s just face the facts, though - hot babes do not want to come hang out in a slob’s trash-pile. Cool Dudes are not going to want to chill in an unorganized apartment. If you ever want to run for President - and who doesn’t, come on - they will know that you had an unorganized apartment, and when the media gets a hold of that you’re done for.
There’s a basic instinct in all of us to avoid unorganized situations. Why do you think we started building houses in the first place? We did it to get the Hell out of Nature. Nature is pretty unorganized. In fact, Nature should really read this guide. You should probably print a few copies of this guide out and staple them to some trees outside. It wouldn’t hurt.
Anyway, the point is that nobody wants to be with you if you aren’t organized. I’m not your Mom or anything, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. I’m just telling you that people are going to constantly judge you. Here are some tips for you, if you feel like getting off your butt and not putting your garbage just any old place. Unlike some other guides out there, though, this guide will actually help you “turn over a new leaf” (I’m looking at you, Nature) and maintain a more organized apartment - not just for this year, but maybe even into the next.
Don’t put that there.
Seriously, that thing doesn’t go there. Just put it away now, while it’s in your hand. If you put it there, you’ll just have to make more of an effort later because you’ll have to pick it back up and then put it away. Just put it away now, and you’ll be done with it. I mean, unless wherever that thing goes is kind of hard to get to and your favorite show is on TV. You can put it away later.
Leave your door open at night.
This might seem counter-intuitive. Sure, initially you’ll have some cleanup to take care of, but you’ll be really surprised how being robbed can make it much easier to organize your place. Okay, so you can try to sell some stuff on Craigslist or something, but that just takes so long and you have to talk to people. Just get yourself robbed and you’ll cut down how much stuff you have really quickly.
If you find that you have some areas that just seem to “attract” clutter, just throw a couple lit matches in the pile and watch as your problems take care of themselves. You might stand by with a bucket of water or something just in case the fire spreads to something you don’t want to get rid of, like the walls or the floor. Nothing says “unorganized” like not having a floor.
Designate a “garbage room.”
This is why I like to get an apartment with one more bedroom than I need. Now when you see some clutter or disorder, just scoop it up in your arms and toss it into your spare room. It can help to have a friend quickly open and close the door for you, so you don’t get buried in your own organization technique. You don’t want to end up like a cartoon.
Lie to yourself / others.
The easiest way to deal with an unorganized apartment is to just redefine the term “unorganized.” Try out the following handy mantras on yourself next time you find yourself questioning your organization:
- Look, the reason you put things where you put them is because it’s easier. Convenience is the whole point of organization, isn’t it?
- What do you mean? That’s where that thing goes.
- Hey, look, Mythbusters is on.
- Sure, that thing is in the way. We could put it away, or we could play some video games.
- It’s just that we’re out of matches.
This technique works almost as well on others, too. When your friends come over, or you have some special lady company, just tell them something like:
- “I know, I kind of hate it, too. It’s just that I’ve been reading these books about ancient Chinese mysticism, and apparently this is best for the energy of the space.”
- “What do you mean? That’s where that thing goes.”
- “Oh, like your place is any better.”
- “I actually just moved in, so I’m still unpacking.”
- “I’m in a feud with the garbage man right now, so he’s refusing to take any of it. I can either leave it in here or down on the street where identity thieves and raccoons are going to get into it.”
- “I’m getting ready for a yard sale. You want that? Dollar fifty.”
Stop seeking motivation from the Internet.
Honestly, this place - the Internet - is only for distracting you from your problems. Why are you sitting there reading that instead of just putting stuff away. You aren’t going to magically get an email that cleans your room. That’s why your parents made you do it when you were a kid - so you’d get into the habit. You know what? No more Internet until you finish your chores.
Seriously. We’re done. Clean your room.