Last week I posted a couple letters I received from some strange company called Univox Corporation (What is Univox Corporation?). Well, I found out that they came from my old friend John. I was the subject of some weird prank trying to get me to go to a random address in Chicago looking for computer mainframes and looking the fool. Revenge was in order. I decided to respond in kind.
While at some consignment / used clothing / junk store, I found an old back-issue of PC Magazine - from the late 90’s. It was full of articles and ads talking about really old computer stuff that’s so obsolete now it’s actually a joke. At least, I hoped it would make for a pretty good joke. I knew it would be the perfect random thing to send to my friends at Univox, so I mailed it to John, along with a letter. In the interest of continuing my series on “I have nothing to write about so I’m just digging up random stuff out of my drawers” I have transcribed the letter below.
1446 W. Irving Park Road
Chicago, IL 60613
Subject: NEW TECHNOLOGISTICS
Do you have time and money just laying around to waste on any old thing?
The future sure comes on quickly, and the rest of us must struggle to catch up. All you have to do is blink a few times and you suddenly see a new server terminal interface module or a high-baud network protocol. The world is surely a minefield of microchips and capacitirons, and we're living on the razor's edge between technologistics that catapault us into the profit zone and those that leave you with no enough space for your PCI option ROM. What you need is a rudder to guide you through the silicone sea. We here at FUTECH LOGISTICS are that rudder.
Our expert team of LOGISTICS MAXIMIZERS will analyze every aspect of your educational outreach program and your upward dynamic revenue synergy. Then they determine exactly the perfect machine type for each of your departments. Most companies settle for a single computer mainframe for the entire staff. At FUTECH LOGISTICS, we envision – as I hope you do – a future containing three or even four computers for every man, woman, and child on your EXTREMELY PROFITABLE team.
We have helped many businesses succeed where others have failed. Using our expert knowledge, our clients don't waste their time and money buying just any old thing. I ask again: do you have time and money to waste on any old thing? Don't be like the other guys. Be like the guys of the future. BE FUTECH LOGISTICS GUYS.
To prove that we “know our stuff” (one of our many slogans and catch-phrases), I have attached just one of the many super-modern tech magazines that we often have just laying about the office. Inside you'll find many bizz-words which we use as our bread and butter. Is that stuff intimidating? Don't be! It's our job to help you GET HER FINISHED.
Please consider us in the coming business cycle as you decide on your technologistic needs.
Marketing Manager, Futech Logistics
Is this the last we’ll hear of these two technology companies? Will Univox Corporation and Futech Logistics work out a deal? Only time will tell.